Well I'll be damned.

So.....I went grocery shopping today.
Doesn't sound too exciting...but wait; there's more.

I talked about planning the meals (with recipes) for the next two weeks. Now...we have done this before. You know what I totally forgot about?

The $ it saves.

First of all, Aldi's (a local discount/generic grocery store) has A LOT....if you go in with a list, and take a look. I've shopped at aldis hundreds of times. You start to glaze over their items and miss stuff. So...today I went in prepared with my list (and some Eminem), and FILLED the cart.
To the tune of $135.

Then I went to TOPS, damn thieves. 3 bags of groceries (and not even full bags)....$75. Jesus I hate it there. Seriously, I only got like 8 items. They weren't super expensive high end items either. We are talking some ginger root, coffee, chicken, and eggplant.
I mean really??

Any-who, 2 weeks of groceries (plus some other things like soap, toilet paper, ect.) for $200.

That is super awesome. We have fallen into not putting food in the budget. We end up ordering out...or eating chicken and rice for the entire month. Sad...but true. Eating only once a day is a road to disaster. Trust me, you don't want to be there. And the bitch about it? We BOTH work FT jobs. Chew on that one. A case (40#'s) of chicken leg quarters is $20. Two bags of rice are about $4. Why? Sometimes that is all we can honestly afford. Sucks...but I couldn't make it up if I wanted to. Believe me when I tell you I would never want to. You go to work (for 13+ hours) knowing that you have nothing to eat. By the time you get home, you haven't eaten all day, but you have no appetite. Odd? Yeah. True? Yup. The thing with this is, it really does put your body into a modified starvation mode. While you eat that one meal a day.....your body is forced to hold on to it, for fear of future starvation. Enter.....weight gain!

"You aren't eating, how could you gain weight?" It happens, and is absolutely a reality.


So in an instance like this...weight gain is absolutely a real possibility. That is why that "Dear Fat People" video that is being so heavily discussed as of late...really, really chaps my ass. We don't all gain weight because we over eat. We gain weight because we don't eat enough. If that bitch put as much time into research as she does being a straight up cunt...she wouldn't have had the gall to post a bitch video like that in the first place.

Remember when I talked about investing in myself, and part of that comes with food? Not only for weight loss, but for over all health. This is part of that investment.

Any-who, I'm super excited that with a bit of planning, and a defined list, we were able to get two weeks of food for $200. I also feel good about investing in ourselves. Investing in our health.

You know what else feels good? Buying good, healthy food. I find that when we buy things like we bought today....we don't get the harsh "Fat Ass" stares from others in line. I don't feel as judged when I buy healthy stuff. It is nice to see all the produce and other things roll down the check out line.


I'll see ya soon.

Hello Reality. So nice to see you for who you really are.

Well, today I did two things that I hate. Optician appointment AND scrub shopping.

Point being:
1) The full length mirrors in the opticians office are the devil. I got a full body shot (of which I always avoid) that made me incessantly pull down my shirt...over...and over.

2) Bra Shopping.....enough fucking said. I hate it and it makes me want to cry to see myself. A caveat here....I have always felt that way no matter my weight. I've hated my body as long as I've had boobs to put into a bra...so there's that. Unfortunately...I now have never known a difference.

3) Scrub (top) shopping. Let me say I HATE clothes shopping. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.
So I bought tops I should have fit into (at least by what I see in the mirror). Well...can we guess what happens next? Yeah.....my fat fucking hips and fat stomach make me look like I'm busting out of a can of biscuits.

I was SO mentally exhausted and frustrated that when we came home, I went to bed. Slept....for hours. Waking up feeling no better.

Now I have to say. You know how us women can love our bodies one day no matter our size...then the very next day...feel like we are the most disgusting things to roam the earth?

Yeah...that's me right now.

For you guys that have stumbled here....if you don't think we do this...oh how wrong you are. Now mind you I'm on my period...and I KNOW that this was inevitable. What wasn't inevitable was the fact that those scrub tops don't really fit the way they should.

Then.....to add fuel to the fire. I stepped on the scale. What the fuck am I doing to myself today? For fucks sake. It is like I'm a glutton for punishment.

314.8lbs.

Hello fattest I've ever been. The only saving grace from this is that I can swing up 5lbs of water weight during my period. Somehow I doubt that that is attributing to the weight on the scale at this point.

So....here is what I HAVE done that is good for me.

Over the past couple of days (seriously this takes time, real organization, and planning), I have assembled a meal plan for the next two weeks, inclusive of a full grocery list. It is high protein, lowish carbs. Oh, this includes all of the recipes too. What I really like about this is that every night it is a different dinner. While breakfasts will rotate through, lunches are much of the same (eggs, cheese, fruit, yadda yadda), dinner is something new every day. There are no repeats. If there are any left overs...viola lunch for the next day. I have all of those recipes pinned to a specific board...if you are reading this and want to follow, just leave a comment. I'll send you a link to the board. There will be a new board for every 2 week period. Each board has the date range in which it applies.

Our meal plan starts on Sunday the 13th. I'll do the shopping (minus the produce we need further out) tomorrow. I have to work on Saturday, then Sunday we start. Tomorrow I will do the breakfasts that I plan on freezing. Egg quiches, Cottage Pancakes, and Pumpkin Bran Muffins. At least that way they can just be pulled, heated, and eaten. I often find, when I don't eat breakfast...it screws my entire day. I eat at off times, my hunger is off the wall, and I tend to eat like shit because I never feel satisfied.
So that is a huge no-no in the house.

So...there is an update for yah'.

See you in a bit.

Why I'm Doing It

Hello Self.

You've thought about this before, attempted this before, succeeded before, and failed before.

This is your third (or fourth) blogging attempt at documenting and motivating yourself at "finally" losing the weight and become healthy. Lets make this time different, shall we?

You need to write WHY you are doing this...so you can get it all out and reread it when you need help staying on track. If you refuse to own where you have come from...it will be unclear as to where (and why) you want to get where ever it is that you are going.

So why ARE you doing this?

My name is Holly, I am 31 years old, and at present 314 pounds. I work full time and am a nurse. I worked my ass off to get through school while working full time. If I dedicated myself to school (and was valedictorian), why can't you stick to becoming healthier and losing the weight in the process? The thing is, YOU CAN! 

You can do this with planning, dedication, patience, and good 'ol fashioned hard work. 
You KNOW you need to cut the shit with the carbs. Not because you love them...but because they are cheap. You need to invest properly in food and planning because this is an investment in you and your health.

I dedicate my life to caring for others. I don't know, and couldn't tell myself the last time I really cared for myself and about myself. This needs to change.

You are unhappy miserable...with yourself and the consequences of your actions. You are the only one who can do this. This is a task that no one else can do for you. 

Your feet, knees, and hips are killing you on a daily basis. You are now winded very easily. These last 20 pounds of weight are seriously affecting you, and you know it. You have reached the threshold between functioning normally to noticing that certain things are seriously becoming difficult. 

Here are some reasons why you want and need to do this (remember when you wrote this...sitting on that bench with arms...you didn't fit comfortably and you were almost in tears):

• Fit in a seat comfortably, and not take up two of them.
• Get rid of double chin.
• Reduce migraine frequency.
• Be able to wear a tank top again.
• Not killing scrub pants due to thigh friction.
• Better role model for my patients.
• Have better sex.
• Have smaller waist (thus being able to fit into scrubs the right way).
• The ability to cross my legs comfortable and for longer periods of time.
• Not fitting into my husbands size 52-54 pants almost perfectly when you grab them by accident.
• Not being the biggest person in the photo (on the rare occasion you are ACTUALLY in the photo).
• Being in a photo instead of being the one to take the photo.
• Stretch and reduce my limp due to exhaustion (and the limp due to thigh rub).
• Having the ability to sit in chairs with out worrying that you will honestly break them
• Being able to keep up with people you are walking with and not being winded just by walking down a hall. 
• Reduce the stress on your respiratory and nervous system.
• Removing the edema you now get when you are sitting for too long.
• To stop hating yourself...and everything you do. 
• To stop obsessing over what you think everyone says in their head about you.
• To stop feeling judged by everyone, no matter the location, activity, or circumstance.

What are your plans for this blog..what is the point?

I need to document this...I need the timeline of progress and set backs. I need to see what I tried, what worked, and what didn't work as I had planned.

It is unrealistic to say I'm going to post on a daily basis. You KNOW that isn't realistic for you. I may or may not post what I am eating, but will be counting calories on MFP, as well as exercise. 

You are going to give yourself three years (THREE). Does this sound slow? You bet your huge ass it does. I need to do this slowly and accurately. I want to be 150-ish lbs, and in a size 13 pants. I looked hot as FUCK in a size 13. You didn't take three years to gain this weight. You took 23 (yo-yoing). 23 of your 31 years, you've spent neglecting yourself. That is simply abuse and maltreatment. 

I need to tone, and gain muscle mass. I am fully aware that this WILL cause my weight to fluctuate. Muscle weighs more than fat after all. 

A lb a week is TOTALLY reasonable. Slow and steady is the key. Remember when you blazed through weight loss? Only to think "one cookie won't hurt"...and it turned into an entire container (quickly)? You then plummeted head first back into snarfing down ungodly amounts of carbs and sugar, and shit. Promptly gaining all the weight you lost plus more.

Stop with the fucking yo-yo diets. This isn't a "diet" this is a life style change. Diet is a dirty, disappointing word. It makes people feel like it is short term...and that you can promptly return to what ever form of eating you previously took part in. Sure you can....if you are willing to gain it all back.

Why not put in the work ONE last time....its fucking hard enough. Why rehash EVERYTHING....AGAIN.

Do it once, and be done with the weight loss portion. Why MAKE yourself  do this over again? Why abuse your body. 

What dietary changes will you make?

I really want to get rid of all of the processed stuff. All the white things included. Sugar, flour, potatoes, noodles, starch, breads..things like that. I'm convinced that carbs of that sort are truly the devil. Of course I realize that ALL carbs can't be totally removed. 

Of limiting those things, there is one thing I'm not willing to negotiate on. Sugar in my coffee. Now mind you, I don't take a bunch of sugar in my coffee, maybe two teaspoons. Coffee is my one daily indulgence, I will not tamper with gods gift to nurses.

Exercise?

I actually love working out. Let me correct myself. I love the feeling you get after working out. I love washing off the sweat I know that I earned. I love feeling and seeing the changes that comes with working out. My problem? Getting to the gym. Will and I have had a membership since about March-ish. I fully admit, with working full time and going to school full time....eventually I realized, it wasn't going to happen. Then I swore to myself that I would start working out after graduation. June 25th.....it is now September 7th. And........nothing. 

Now, with moving from 12 hour shifts to 3-11, 8 hour shifts; it is actually more reasonable to get to the gym. Why? I have to be out of the house. Will works split shifts. It is totally appropriate to work out before work, then go in. My problem from the 12 hour shifts. I often struggle greatly to make myself get out of the house. Partially because I'm just fucking exhausted...partially due to self consciousness.

There in-lies another problem. My weight is now putting a severe strain on my willingness to function appropriately on a daily basis. That is a problem. I almost fall into a deep enough depression to where I just sit here....all day. Doing nothing. Nothing.

OH, when will this start?

Failing to plan is planning to fail. I am actively putting together meal plans. Inclusive of grocery lists. I must plan or I will come up with a bazillion excuses, and the lack of $ to appropriately shop.

Given this consideration, I will be starting "officially", on Monday September 14th, 2015.

Weigh Ins?

Biweekly

Update Pics?

Probably every 2 or 3 months.

Therapy or not?

This is my therapy. Should I feel the need to seek appropriate professional help, I will  do so.